First off, Co-Parenting and Parallel Parenting. How are they different?
Co-parenting is a process where both parents share the same values, principles, and ideas about what’s best for their children. Even though they may have two homes, they can mimic each other when co-parenting. They have agreements about what time the children go to bed, what they’re going to eat, what kind of kids are going to play with, when they’re going to do homework, etc.
Parallel parenting is where each parent may have differences in some or all these areas. In a parallel parenting setting, the child is faced with different ground rules and different routines in each household. Naturally, this can be confusing for the child because each home can be different. It doesn’t mean one household is right or one is wrong, it’s just different.
The ideal situation will always be to co-parent. With parallel parenting, there’s going to be little room for agreement in pretty much everything between the houses. Sometimes one parent will want to control the others home for what happens during the other parent’s time with the children. They will always think that their rules, routines, principles, and values are what they should be and nothing else. This may be even more extreme with someone who has NPD (narcissistic personality disorder).
Is the parent a Narcissist parent?
Co-parenting assumes that both parents are fully capable of putting each other’s needs before their own and that both parents have their child’s best interests in mind. Narcissists though unfortunately are not capable of this as they put their own needs and wants first. They continuously have a desire to manipulate and control everything. They never admit any fault and always exploit others for self-gain.
They will always act as the victim by being submissive or seemingly helpless which may be a tactic that narcissists use to get things that they want or lure people in no matter the gender. Once they do, they will constantly play the martyr or victim card to exploit people or convince them to do things for them such as pay for their cell phone bill, medical and car payments. Even
If you believe you may be divorcing or in a new co-parenting relationship with a narcissist, Parallel Parenting may be a better option for you. Psychology Today says, “Know your truth, because there will be times when you will doubt yourself, especially if they claim the victim role“. Be prepared to hear through others about all of the ways you have wronged them in every way possible, that everything that happened within your past relationship was all your fault.
Here are some tips that may help you as well to get started.
1. Create a detailed parenting plan
A detailed parenting plan is essential when parallel parenting with a narcissist. Outline specific schedules, responsibilities, and communication methods. This plan should address what to include in a parenting plan ensuring clarity and minimizing misunderstandings. Usually this is done during any family meetings with court services, so everything is laid out.
2.Document Everything, yes everything
In parallel parenting with an ex who may have NPD (narcissist personality disorder), the three most important tasks to ensure rules are followed and boundaries are maintained are to document, document, document. Make sure any interactions, no matter how minor, are documented. With a parent who has NPD it makes it hard to regularly communicate with them through text or email as things can be altered or deleted to where the he/she said can come into play.
In my situation, there is an app where all communication is had between the two of us. You can’t delete the message; it will show you when the other parent has seen it. If you ask a question about the children and they don’t answer, you have proof it was seen but never gotten a response (which may come in handy if needed down the road). The app is also good when managing the parenting schedule and each child’s schedule with sports, activities etc. You are also able to set up reimbursements between each other. While it was not court mandated, it has been helpful with communication or lack thereof.
3. Set clear boundaries
Creating strong boundaries about communication and parenting responsibilities helps prevent manipulation and intrusion on personal space. Clear boundaries ensure each parent understands their limits and expectations, reducing potential conflicts. Boundaries between both homes can be different and you should not overstep each other to gain control.
4. Stay Consistent
Consistency in parenting provides stability and security for your child. With Parallel Parenting, each home can have their own set of rules and routines that will be consistent. Outside of each home, you should maintain consistency with things like pickups and drops off between both houses. If you are responsible for being present before the other parent picks up (your parenting time), then be present (unless there is an emergency outside of work related). Constantly giving those duties to other people may indicate to your kids that you don’t want to spend time with them before they leave to be with the other parent, which in turn can hurt them emotionally.
5. Support your child
Children may struggle with the dynamics of parallel parenting especially if you are dealing with younger ones. Providing emotional support and encouraging them to express their feelings can help them feel understood and valued.
6.Manage Your Own Triggers
I must admit, this is one I am still working on and will take some time. When creating a safe environment for your kids, it is vital that you control your own triggers and how they affect your emotions. Triggers are the little things that make us go from 0 to 60 emotionally. If you feel like the children are being threatened? Major trigger! Even though the desire to protect your children is natural and normal, you’re going to need to channel it positively. You can’t get rid of the other parent. With someone with NPD, they will never admit they are wrong even if they are. Nor will they ever apologize, (another trigger). They will constantly tell you it’s your fault, or your wrong which in the end, can make you think you are crazy which is what they want.
Managing your triggers means identifying what they are and once you know what they are, you can get to work on staying calm even when you feel triggered. Great tools for this are mindfulness, meditation, and therapy (which is what I do once a month). Brain studies show that when we engage in one or all these practices four times a week or more, we will be less triggered over time and become more rational.
While I am in no way any kind of professional, infusing my own experiences with topics gives a sense of notion that I am not the only one going through this on a day-to-day basis. I would rather have co-parented than paralleled, but I just don’t see that happening in my situation. I know I am not perfect and just want to be the best person to my kids and to myself. It is hard sometimes when the other parent just can’t see their own faults and recognize them.
