What is a serial monogamist? Betterhelp.com describes a Serial Monogamist as “someone who is always in a relationship or frequently seeking a relationship. Often the switch between relationships happens quickly and impulsively”. Usually, when a relationship ends, you grieve the loss of that relationship, heal from it and work on yourself to get stronger (especially if you had kids in one of those relationships). Once that happens, you could be ready to begin dating again. A serial monogamist prefers to meet someone new and enter a new committed relationship immediately. If that one doesn’t work out, they quickly move onto the next one and so forth. A serial monogamist is someone who hates being alone and always needs someone.
Unfortunately for my children’s mother (my ex), she is a serial monogamist. How do I know? Well, when you end a 7-year relationship where you had children together and within 11 days of that relationship ending, was 200% already in another relationship and with someone who was married at the time. What does that say about a person? It says that no matter the time you spent together, building a family and making memories you are always replaceable to a serial monogamist. I think what hurt me the most at the end was that she was never able to answer Yes or No when I asked her if our relationship actually meant anything. Not even a “I’m sorry”, but that was expected because of her NPD. To her, I was just another discarded pawn to where she was already with her next victim.
The relationship progresses rather quickly after their last
This can be saying “I love you” very soon or taking steps in the new relationship that may seem intense with the time you have since spent together. Time together meaning physical time and not calendar time. Dating someone say for 1 year where you only saw them 100 times is not a 1-year relationship. For example, if you are being asked to meet their kids or parents within a month or so, this may be a red flag that they are a serial monogamist. Someone who may be a serial monogamist may also have some deeper, underlying issues such as:
- Fear of abandonment (can’t be alone)
- Low self-esteem
- Codependent tendencies
There also may be some mental health concerns where they may have borderline personality disorder or narcissistic personality disorder (NPD).
Absolutely no gap between partners
Being a single parent and in the “dating world”, I have come across a few people who I have talked to or have had a date with where I have gotten some interesting circumstances on where they stand with their own dating path. Some have been single for a few years, a few months, even those who are in the middle of a divorce but living separately or in the same marital home still. For those who are still “technically married”, I get it, your marriage ended a while ago, but you really haven’t had the time to heal and be single. This is usually a red flag for me now as it should be for you. When my relationship ended in 2021, I took a year off for myself. I worked on my mental health and figured out what I had to do to become the best version of myself. Unfortunately, my ex did not take time to heal from our relationship and quickly moved on to someone new. While you can’t control what they do, but when you have kids together, you have to have discussions on how it will affect the kids, especially if one of those parent’s chronicling dates.
They have not had enough time to heal and actually get to know themselves
When a serial monogamist jumps from relationship to relationship, they may get into the pattern of not giving themselves enough time to heal from their previous one. Just like a scab, if you pick at too early verse letting it heal on its own, it can lead to serious scars. Everyone experiences breakups in different ways. Personally, rebounding into a new relationship without any kind of mending is not something I would recommend to anyone. How could you give yourself to someone new if you really haven’t had time to reboot their heart?
Love bombing
This one I had to investigate a lot more on. I have heard of it briefly but was curious to dig a little into it. Typically, love bombing is a set pattern of excessive and manipulative behaviors which normally aims to win over someone in a relationship (especially in the early days). Things like over the top displays of affection, praise, flattery, and even excessive gifts which can include letting someone you have been with for 2 weeks’ pay for a tattoo. People who are serial monogamists usually enjoy being loved bombed because it makes them feel wanted. When coming off so soon from a previous relationship, this can make them feel like that one never existed because now they are being showered in every way possible from someone new.
I get it, being single sometimes sucks because organically, we all like to have someone to share our life with. We enjoy someone to talk to who isn’t your sister, brother, parents and even your kids about our day. Someone to laugh with and watch a movie. If you are a serial monogamist, this one is for you. It’s OK to be single for a while. Sometimes just focus your attention on yourself rather than someone new you’re dating. Fall in love with yourself again. When you have children, focus your attention on them now as most likely they were put on the back burner. By relationship jumping, it may show the kids that you don’t care about them enough to let them heal. It can also impose unhealthy relationship choices.
If you are unsure that you are dating a serial monogamist, these are some of the signs to look for:
- They struggle to stay single for long. You can ask the question “when was your last relationship”? Typically, they won’t say it was yesterday, they will always lie about this
- Difficulties with self-esteem, boredom, or loneliness when single
- An inability to leave a relationship without a new potential partner lined up
- Feeling restless in relationships
- They look to engage in a new relationship fast as soon as their current one ends (or just before a breakup)
- The relationship quickly becomes serious or intense (meeting one’s parents, expensive gifts, early weekend stay overs). For us single parents out there, letting them meet your kids way to soon
Involving your kids
It’s bad enough you have to co-parent with a narcissist but add that they are also a serial monogamist can be a tricky combination. This includes involving your kids with new partners and relationships. When it comes to your children and new relationships, you need to tread lightly with this, especially if they are younger. Being a co-parent with 50/50, my ex and I never had any type of conversation when it came to involving the children with our personal relationships. This usually isn’t a problem if your ex is normal, but these types of people play by their own rules and are just worried about themselves, no one else. It’s what they want.
When I met my ex in the fall of 2014, she was at the tail end of a divorce. She also had two young children with their father. I met her kids within a month of dating, which to me I had no idea if that was normal or not. Knowing now what I do, I would see that as a red flag. I then moved in the Spring of 2015, another red flag looking back at it. I wasn’t trying to replace their dad, but I now know what she was trying to do, and it wasn’t fair to the kids at that time. Most likely then and even now with my own kids, she is doing the same thing she did to them. Which is not respecting to ask the kids how they might feel. She just cared that she was ready. Her kids just lost their father from the house and now this new person is all of sudden thrown into their lives quickly. That can cause serious emotional issues to kids and may produce things like aggressiveness, intense fits or possibly resentment. This has happened two more times where she involved the kids way to early. No discussion was had with them, nor myself. Respectfully, she should have had a conversation with me in regard to our kid’s involvement with her personal relationship as I would if I was in a relationship. She doesn’t have to respect me as her ex, but she should as their child’s father as well as the children themselves. Each parent should know who they bring around their children, especially if it’s a personal, romantic relationship.
The affects it will have
Attachments begin at an early age; by involving your children with everyone you date is not healthy to them. One minute that person is in their life, the next day they are gone. Psychology Today states that most dating relationships ends 9-12 calendar months. By exposing your kids to a new love early means your children risk experiencing one loss after another (what I mentioned above). Over time, the losses can affect your children’s future mental health and wellbeing, success in their relationships as well as the one you have with them. Sharing 50/50 means that we have kid free or “off-duty time” which for us is 2 weekdays and every other weekend. This is the time available for you to spend with that person. Keep your parenting time for you and the kids. They are already seeing less of you now. By involving someone too early it will take away the attention they are seeking from you that they miss when they are with the other parent.
If you date someone long distance like an hour and half out of state who is also someone with shared custody, along with you having two exes with 4 kids in another state, typically there is no real future and the children’s involvement with your personal relationship should be limited since that person most likely won’t be around long either once they too realize the grim outcome. Having your partner stay over with you while on your parenting time with young kids is neither appropriate nor necessary.
The Right Way
When I am in a relationship for a good while and know that there is some serious future with that person, I will of course have a discussion with our kids and their mother as I respect both. I want to make sure that my girls understand all the dynamics and will allow me to answer any questions or concerns they may have. Once it’s time, I will do it in a neutral setting as many articles state it’s better for the children. What you shouldn’t do is introduce your kids say at a holiday party where their parents and other family members may be present. It is too much for young children to take in the first time even if you think they are fine. How do you know, did you ask? Again, it’s what’s best for the children, not yourself.
I hope this helps those who may think they are dating a serial monogamist person. Look for the signs and good luck!
