Coparenting is nothing new. It is different for everyone, and everyone has their own way of managing it with their ex. Healthy co-parenting is the method of parenting together in a way that prioritizes the child and their needs. I have read many articles and looked at several tips and have put my own list together to help you navigate being a co-parent and make sure it doesn’t SUCK.
This vicious cycle happens in lots of different ways…
- Wishing the other parent would listen to reason, come to their senses, and stop fighting
- Getting angry because things “should be” or “could be” different if only the other parent would put the kids first
Quit being negative– We know, we know. Your divorce/breakup was awful. If you keep reliving every ugly detail of the breakup and all the events leading up to it, the constant negativity will keep you two from playing on the same team, which is what co-parenting is all about. Obviously, your relationship didn’t work out for whatever reason, but you need to get over it and move toward the future, which includes taking care of your kids together.
Take the high road– As sad as I was when things ended, I was still able to acknowledge that we’d had 7 years together filled with fun times and great memories. Not just with ourselves but with all the kids as well. I have too much optimism and positivity inside me to feel that those years were not in any way good and happy for the most part. Obviously, every relationship is not perfect nor should be. Instead, I picked myself off the floor, took a breather, worked on my mental health and stayed strong while also recognizing that it had been a fun ride while it lasted.
Communication– Communication is key everywhere and with coparenting, its crucial because now you have to manage your kids between two households. Things like parenting time, expenses, activities, birthday parties all used to be handled a little easier when you were one unit. Depending on your relationship with your kid’s mom/dad, your communication could just be through text, calls and emails because you treat each other as equals without having any negative or hatred for each other. Don’t ghost your ex, you don’t have to jump every time she or he calls but you should do what’s polite, like answering texts or emails in a timely manner and accepting calls even if you don’t feel like talking. Showing you can be civil makes you a good role model for your children in the midst of what can be a very upsetting time for them. Keep each other in the loop. Keeping things from each other or just “forgetting” to share something important does nothing to foster a healthy relationship.
Create a co-parenting schedule– If possible, try and create a calendar together at the beginning of the month. This is not only helpful for the parents, but it is also crucial for the well-being of the child. Kids don’t like uncertainty and like to know where they will be or what events they have coming up. Both of us have visible white boards at each house. I usually put the weekends they are with me, any sports, parties or special events they have coming up. We also used a digital calendar prior before switching over to a co-parent app called Appclose. There are others but they can be costly. Luckily, the app we use is free.
Set up weekly check-ins– This has been one we have done in the past but have since slipped from doing (but will restart). There needs to be a set time every week when you check in about your child(ren), their needs, and anything non-urgent.
Don’t bad mouth your ex in front of your kids– It is not appropriate to speak ill of your ex in front of your children. Kids are easily influenced by the environment they grow up in. Although they might be annoying you, never be disrespectful to them. Don’t tell them dad doesn’t do this for us, or mom doesn’t listen.
Don’t lie to your kids– Kids are not stupid, don’t lie to them for any reason especially if it’s to gain sympathy. They will be disappointed, ask questions and may become resentful towards you. While they don’t need to know every detail, don’t run away from their questions.
Don’t ignore your ex’s special occasions– For example, if you’re sending 7-year-old Ashley to dads for his birthday, Ashely should arrive with a card and/or present. Even if the last person you want to spend money on is your ex, remember that it’s important to your child.
Do some things as a family– Most kids whose parents aren’t together wish they were. Spending time with both of you at the same time, even if it’s only once in a while, makes a child feel on top of the world. Some exes have a family dinner once a month. Others co-host their kids’ birthday parties or spend Christmas morning together, especially when they are younger. Think you can’t possibly manage this? Suck it up. You can be as distant and pleasant as you would be with a stranger if you have to. Your kids still need and want to belong to a family.
New relationships– While you may be single, you are also a parent. You obviously can have a personal life and should, but when you are on parenting time, be present. Don’t prioritize any new relationship over your children. Discuss boundaries with your ex such as introducing your kids to any new partners. Children, especially young children will always want their parents to be together. Here are some tips:
- Wait until the relationship is stable and serious enough before bringing your partner around the kids (average time can be 4-6 months or longer). Inform your ex when you are planning to do so they are prepared for any follow up questions from the kids
- Consider your kids feelings and needs of security and reassurance. Don’t force them to accept your new partner right away
- Be honest with your kids about your dating situation no matter the dynamic. You don’t need to share all the details but don’t lie
- Invite your kids feedback about how and when to they want to meet your new partner. Just because you want to introduce them, doesn’t mean they are ready yet. Respect their wishes
- Reassure your kids that your new partner will not replace the other parent in anyway and that they will always be loved by them
