It can be difficult, if not devasting to spend any time away from our kids. We men help bring these children into this world expecting to spend time with them, to be with them every day. We expect to eat dinner with them after a day’s work, hear about their day and read to them before they go to bed. We expect to kiss them and be able to hug them whenever we want. Every single day. Unfortunately, when you co-parent/parallel, this no longer exists, and it sucks.
One of the hardest parts about this shared parenting life is the gut-wrenching emotions that come up when you do the exchange between parenting times. The feeling of coming back home to an empty house and seeing your kid’s bedroom vacant and quiet really sets in. Sometimes after our exchange, I have to close my girl’s door so as not to get sad when I walk past it. While I have things to occupy myself with hobbies and such when I don’t have them, it’s still a feeling that will always be there when they are not with me.
There’s no better love than the love of our kids. Whether you’re a single parent or a single parent in a relationship, your kids should always be top priority especially when it’s your parenting time. Before you know it, they will be too grown. You will then resent yourself for putting work, a relationship or anything other than your kids first during your time with them. When they are younger, they need your attention more than what you may give to other things during that time.
So, how can you cope with this?
1. You feel too many emotions
It’s ok to experience these emotions during a changeover. It could be sadness, guilt, relief, or even anxiety. Rest assured that what you are experiencing is totally normal. It can feel strange to be separated from your own child. I’ve been doing it for 3 years and these emotions are still present.
My friends and family try to help settle me by saying “It gets easier with time” or “Shouldn’t it feel normal by now?”, but for many parents in this situation, it never gets easier or feels 100% normal. The very fact that it’s a recurring event, a regular part of your life now almost makes it worse. I basically feel like Bill Murray in Ground Hog Day.
There’s no simple fix to this, and you still must get through it – over and over. Acknowledging your feelings will help. If you pretend you are “all good” and bottle these emotions up because you think its best, it makes it counterproductive to what you really need to do.
2. You worry about your children
What about when you don’t trust your co-parent to be a good parent? If you have a high-conflict relationship with your former partner (as I do), you might think your child is struggling the whole time they’re away from you. In no way is their mom a bad parent but for others in similar high-conflict parenting situations, this may be the case and can get stressful. Not to say mine isn’t stressful but we don’t see eye to eye on a lot of things which is fine. We may not like how they parent and vice versa. As long as they are safe that’s good enough for me as I can only control my feelings and not someone else’s actions.
There are many different ways to parent. Just because the other parent isn’t doing everything the way you are doing it doesn’t make it wrong. Sometimes you may feel they do too much or too little but that’s just how they want to parent. Let it go! Having your kids experience different parenting approaches can actually benefit our kids. It can teach them to cope with change and accept differences between both parents.
3. You can feel disconnected from your children
When your child is with their other parent, you may have a strong sense of uncertainty when you don’t know where they are, what they’re doing, or how they feel at any given moment. It can be deeply uncomfortable because prior to being a single parent you knew because you were always there.
What you can do is tell yourself that your kids are still being parented, even if it’s different than how you do it. They are still with their mom or dad, possibly having a great time so they may not miss you the way you miss them.
4. You feel like you’re losing influence over your children
As a parent, you make a million small and large decisions each day that will shape what type of person your children will become. When you separate from your ex, your child is now influenced by another person who does things differently than when you together before. Maybe they don’t take them to places they want to go to or go anywhere for that during their time. Maybe they don’t allow the use of technology or the kind of food you give them.
Letting go of that type of control can be really hard but it’s also really important. This is also something I am working on. You must remind yourself that your child can have different experiences. Your connection with your children goes much deeper than what their room looks like or the time they spend watching tv. Your kids love you because you’re their dad or mom, not because you make them play outside every day.
5. Your kids get upset when you drop them off
If your kids complain, cry, or hesitate when you drop them off to their other parent, it can be very upsetting for all of you. Luckly for me right now, my kids haven’t really shown that during the exchange. While they may be fine, I am the one that experiences some of those emotions. Doesn’t matter if I am a man, it’s perfectly ok to cry and definitely ok to cry missing your kids. For the most part I keep my emotions in check during this time but once I get back inside, some crying happens but that’s ok. Even when I don’t have them, I still get to see them on video chat each day, but nothing is better than having them physically with you.
One tip I read on that I now have to curb myself is to stop saying “I’ll miss you”. While it might seem harmless and comforting, it may put an emotional load on your kids. When your kids hear you say that they understand that you are in emotional pain and that they may feel obligated to make you feel better. Going forward, I will rephrase my feelings of missing them to “I’ll be thinking of you”. I think this will let them know that they will be on my mind but without the emotional tag of needing any kind of comfort.
What’s the bottom-line strategy here? Treat your emotions as a moment, not a path
No one goes into a relationship and having kids together thinking that one day they may be divorced, separated or what not. Some people grieve differently in relationships when they end. Some take time to heal and reboot, some may go on a shopping bender thinking if they surround themselves with physical items, it will make the loss of your kids not being there better. While others may toss themselves right into relationship after relationship because they can’t be alone.
Personally, I think this is the worst way to grieve because all you are doing is stacking one failed relationship on top of the other without first fixing the foundation that makes you…well you. Eventually it will crumble, and you will then have to forcefully take a break to fix yourself. Just don’t let it turn into an identity. There’s a difference between a moment and a path.
Individual therapy will always help you reframe your most painful thoughts into new thoughts that are still true so it’s still easy to believe and embrace them but more helpful. Theres no shame in seeking help, I do.
For those that co-parent like me, put your phone down, end the conversation with whomever you’re texting while they are with you, it can wait. You can control those things, but you can never control the time that is lost not being physically present. I am not saying you have to disengage from other things but let’s keep the main focus on the time we get when we have our kids. Remember, your kids now see you 50% less than they did prior to whatever happened with your relationship with their other parent. Make that time count for them.
I know you’re taking good care of your kids, just don’t forget to take care of yourself too.
